Is it okay to use my smartphone in the bathroom? No, you savage. Texting on the toilet is the social equivalent of masturbating in church. I know Gen-Y is all about multi-tasking, but forcing forth a properly formed fecal formation takes concentration. So pay attention, damn it. On the off...

You know what, GenY? I work for a living. I don’t have time to answer every one of your stupid-ass questions the moment they pop into your pretty little head. Make a list, think it through, and then give me a fucking call. Better yet, schedule a meeting. I know you think you can solve world...

I’m smart enough to know that there is a big difference between a tough guy and a wise ass.  Since I trip most awkwardly into the latter category I endeavor to keep my social offenses somewhere between poor table manners and moving violations. Yes, it’s a cold bit of truth, but if I ever...

I understand the desire to live a healthy lifestyle, but when you continuously pepper a clearly exasperated waitress with inquires about a piece of poultry’s upbringing, exercise schedule, and dietary regiment you’ll likely get bitch slapped by the law of diminishing marginal returns –...

Ever since that crotchety, old “Jack”-off endorsed the concept, organizations across the globe have been using this tool to dissect the relative performance contributions of their employees.  It’s a reasonable idea. After all, companies routinely appraise their other assets. Why not do...

“Optim Mortis” – To be overly optimistic about the physical appearance of the recently deceased. There is always some knucklehead at a wake who blurts out, “Oh, he looks so good.” Hey, I get it. You’re uneasy. It’s awkward. There’s really no right thing to say. Well, in those...

As I may have mentioned, I have more brothers than Howard University. In fairness, a few are of the step / half variety, but that hardly changes the reality that my parents were fabulous fornicators with a clear aversion to condoms. Sluts!  Of course they also weren’t the most creative of...

My brother Nick is a good kid, but sharp as a watermelon sometimes. The other day he approached me for some interviewing advice. As a junior in college he wanted to transition from his longtime kitchen position at the local Italian joint to something more office oriented.  I reviewed his...

I’m all for stimulating conversation, but dude, put it on pause when we enter the restroom and you see me heading for door number one. First of all, I like to focus when I’m dropping a deuce and the mindless nonsense I was never really listening to anyway is distracting. Second, it’s...

What is so hard about negotiating a four-way stop sign? You pull up, note your place in the pecking order, and proceed in a clockwise fashion until it is your turn. It amazes me that the Department of Motor Vehicles issues licenses to hamster heads that can’t work this out. What aggravates...

Would you ever date a girl who didn’t shave?  Sorry, I don’t speak French. Seriously, I’m sure Sasquatch has a lovely personality, but I’m not taking her to the...

Bobby Slayton once said, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.”  The pit bull of comedy knows what he’s talking about and for the most part, I’ve adopted the outlook.  Still sometimes you have to go all Adele on a mother farker and turn the tables. While...

I recently saw a fresh “I heart Jazzercise” bumper sticker on a late model, luxury SUV.  This disturbed me on many levels.  First, I hate bumper stickers. Why would you purposefully desecrate your vehicle only to act as an unpaid pitchman for some thankless corporation that charged you...

If you have, are currently, or are even considering the possibility of smoking a pipe at some future date, kindly take a moment to beat yourself about the face and shoulders with the business end of a working power sander. There are only two humans who can wield one of those awkwardly angled...

As a kid, I remember rolling into the grocery store on food stamp day with a fistful of Monopoly money, thinking I was the shit. It only took one or two trips to realize that being in an alcohol-induced coma was not the only reason my parents gave me the chore. Food stamps are...

There is simply no need for SUVs. Current statistics (which I just made up) indicate that only 3.47% of all off road vehicles ever leave the asphalt. These lift kit-sporting station wagons exist either to enhance the emotional security of overweight soccer moms or to support the fleeting hope...

I have nothing against fat people. Santa is fat. Buddha is fat. And let me tell you, Gandhi was a real porker before he got a hold of Nutrisystem or so says the infomercial. Still, if your ass odometer has blown past pleasantly plump and into Orca-like territory, please have the decency to...

You are always complaining. What makes you smile?  So I’m walking to the coffee shop this morning (think diner, not Star-tards) and as is my habit, I’m working some ideas around and singing to myself. In this case the tune was Billy Joel’s “She’s Right on Time”. Maybe it was the...

Competitive eating is not a sport.  It’s a mental disorder.  Giving trophies for funneling 67 hot dogs down your gullet is like earning a blue ribbon for creatively shagging a dead rhinoceros. Listen up you hollow leg having, gym class avoiders.  You are not an athlete.  You’re a freak...

What is it with white people and wearing shorts in January? And don’t give me that nonsense about it not being cold. Maybe your ancestors hailed from Saskatoon, but the last ten generations lived on the same block in Jersey. Cold is cold. But don’t take my word for it, Nanook, just peep at...