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Order Now! Who Shit in My Zen Garden? Random Stuff that Spoils My Day

You know those perky people – the ones who are always “super” and “awesome” and occasionally “fantabulous”? Yeah, well, that’s not me. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not Darth Vader’s love child. I just have an aversion to self-delusion and optimistic douchebaggery. It’s my kryptonite.

Now, as I writer I’m, well … as you might imagine … poor. This somewhat limits my methods for dealing with pent-up frustration. Shrinks are pricey. Pills require insurance. And declaring myself an “anger addict” and prancing on down to a rageaholic meeting just seems stupid. And so I did what writers do … drink. Then, of course, I wrote. Don’t judge too quickly. I’m sure much of what follows occurred to you as well.

Order Now! Bad Advice: Life Coaching from a Blithering Idiot

Shortly after the release of my first book, Who Shit in My Zen Garden? Random Stuff That Spoils My Day, I began getting letters. Several, understandably, were from emotionally wounded Starbucks employees. But most were from ordinary humans seeking advice on everything from home improvement to spiritual wellbeing.

This frightened me … mostly because I have no talent, experience, or credentials. Seriously, I’m a socially awkward smartass with the people skills of Attila the Hun. Learning to function in the world from me is like learning to ice skate from an accordion. I was upfront about these facts in my initial responses, but the emails kept coming. Go figure.

Now, in the last book, I established that I was a bit of a lazy, greedy dick monkey. And so, rather than write each of you individually, I thought I’d jot all this “wisdom” down in one place and make a little coin in the process. Sure, it’s an obvious capitalist response, but what are you, a communist or something?

Anyway, as far as sequels go, I’m hoping it’s closer to The Godfather II than Caddyshack II.  Enjoy the guidance. And remember, I’m only trying to help.