Holding Time

message-on-holdNothing is more aggravating than being on hold, especially when the vendor in question expects you to tap dance through a series of incomprehensible teleprompts only to be asked for the same nonsensical information two hours later when you finally make it through to some techno-sweatshop phone jockey in Bangalore.

In an effort to balance the scales, I give all cold callers a taste of their own medicine by impersonating an automated voice recording. Call my house with an offer for aluminum siding or an environmental survey and you’ll likely hear the following.

“Moshi Moshi, Hola, Hello. If you’d like to continue in Sanskrit, press 1. For Braille, press 2. For Morse Code, press the pound key. For Whale songs, clap twice.  For Peanuts adults, press 5.  Wait.  I’m sorry, our menus options just changed.  For smoke signals, press a lower case Q…. If you’d rather go screw yourself, press star and leave a message at the dial tone.” 

  • A Related Note: Give me some credit, will ya?  Your phone menu options haven’t changed since AT&T leased me my last rotary.  Everyone knows that’s just a pitiful attempt to stop me from incessantly pushing zero.
  • A Friendly PSA: If you want faster service, launch into a profanity laced tirade. Thanks to same tech-tards noted above, most of these lines are screened for hostility. A few mentions of Squirrel fucker or a well-placed reference to being a lion of the desert with accompanying battle cry and you’ll have an agent on the line faster than you can say NSA wire tap.  Of course, the agent will likely be federal, but chances are they’ll let you place your order before tossing you in the clink.

Now please hold for a brief customer satisfaction survey.