Toilet Text

Posted by Jackson on Feb 22, 2013 in Ask Jackson Answers | 0 comments

Is it okay to use my smartphone in the bathroom?

No, you savage. Texting on the toilet is the social equivalent of masturbating in church. I know Gen-Y is all about multi-tasking, but forcing forth a properly formed fecal formation takes concentration. So pay attention, damn it.

On the off chance that the previous night’s meal featured 14 cups of coffee and a block of cheese, just try a little music to hurry things along.  I opt for rewrites of classic R&B songs.  Take this ditty for example:

SITTIN’ ON THE TOP OF THE BOWL

1ST VERSE

I’m just sittin’ on the top of the bowl,

waiting for the crap to come out the hole.

Yeah, I’m just a sittin’ on the top of the bowl,

staring at the toilet paper roll.

 

BRIDGE

But it looks like nothings gonna come.

I guess we’re talking constipation.

 

CHORUS

And I’ll be sittin’ in the morning sun,

and I’ll be sittin’ till the shitting is done.

Yeah, I’m just a sittin’ on the top of the bowl, wasting time.

Repeat as needed until, well, you know….

• A Helpful PSA: Never use anyone’s smartphone.  People are disgusting.  When someone attempts to hand me their phone so I can lie to their boss, wife, girlfriend, boss’s wife or girlfriend and so forth, I just kick them in the nuts. Germs of the enemy.  We must be vigilant.