No, you savage. Texting on the toilet is the social equivalent of masturbating in church. I know Gen-Y is all about multi-tasking, but forcing forth a properly formed fecal formation takes concentration. So pay attention, damn it.
On the off chance that the previous night’s meal featured 14 cups of coffee and a block of cheese, just try a little music to hurry things along. I opt for rewrites of classic R&B songs. Take this ditty for example:
SITTIN’ ON THE TOP OF THE BOWL
I’m just sittin’ on the top of the bowl,
waiting for the crap to come out the hole.
Yeah, I’m just a sittin’ on the top of the bowl,
staring at the toilet paper roll.
But it looks like nothings gonna come.
I guess we’re talking constipation.
And I’ll be sittin’ in the morning sun,
and I’ll be sittin’ till the shitting is done.
Yeah, I’m just a sittin’ on the top of the bowl, wasting time.
Repeat as needed until, well, you know….
- A Helpful PSA: Never use anyone’s smartphone. People are disgusting. When someone attempts to hand me their phone so I can lie to their boss, wife, girlfriend, boss’s wife or girlfriend and so forth, I just kick them in the nuts. Germs of the enemy. We must be vigilant.