I recently saw a fresh “I heart Jazzercise” bumper sticker on a late model, luxury SUV. This disturbed me on many levels. First, I hate bumper stickers. Why would you purposefully desecrate your vehicle only to act as an unpaid pitchman for some thankless corporation that charged you for the privilege? Second, SUVs annoy me simply because their pudgy occupants rarely make use of the sport or utility features the vehicle’s moniker optimistically implies. And finally, well… it’s friggin’ Jazzercise. What is this 1979?
I was actually tempted to put this is the douchebag section, but Ronald Regan named program inventor, Judi Sheppard Missett “Top Woman Entrepreneur’ in 1986 and I’m not one to debate the great communicator. Still, you have to admit this is sort of a doofy way to bitch slap your love handles.
Then again, maybe I’m missing something. After all the governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave it props while working as fitness ambassador for Bush 1.0 and the company boasts annual sales topping 90 million. Plus Missett still appears mildly bangable at age 147. So who knows? Maybe this shit works. Then again, her daughter Shanna is a real hottie, so perhaps it’s just genetics.
All I know for sure is that they kick my ass in the royalty department. That said, unless those tapes feature a lap dance from a morally flexible coed I’ll likely pass on the party and hit the weight room. In the meantime, do me a favor and lose the advertising. No point in giving me another reason to go ape shit on America’s roadways.