Pipe Smokers

If you have, are currently, or are even considering the possibility of smoking a pipe at some future date, kindly take a moment to beat yourself about the face and shoulders with the business end of a working power sander.

There are only two humans who can wield one of those awkwardly angled cancer-causing devices without looking like a pretentious, cardigan-clad dick weasel. They are of course Albert Einstein and Sherlock Holmes. The rest of you posers should immediately shave your porn-stashes, bitch slap the “I’m working on my book of poems” smirk off your mug, and then donate your elbow-patched tweed blazers to the nearest campfire.

Puffing a pipe doesn’t make you smart, sophisticated or cultured. That’s right. Unless you are solving a mathematical or crime-inspired conundrum at some point in the last century, you simply seem ridiculous ­– as pathetic as a bow tie in gym class.

And by the way, if you’re really hell bet on offing yourself, put down the slacker’s guide to suicide and try something what will spare the rest of us the second hand douche monkeying. I don’t know, maybe switch to a nail gun and inhale.

  • A Related Note: On the off chance that there’s opium in your implement, recognize that whatever device you use, no one ever catches the dragon.
  • Another Related Note: Okay, so there may be a couple of others who can get away with pipe usage. Popeye, Donald Duck and Santa for example. Those fictional fuckers have pulled it off for years. Also, hot chicks – though admittedly they may be restricted to a fetish website I stumbled upon while researching this piece.  People are freaks.