Advertising: as a capitalist, I’m all for it. But show a little effort, would you? Blasting out billion emails with the random-ass hope that someone will respond is like me leaving a hard copy of this manuscript on the six train and hoping an editor from Random House happens by, gives it a glance, and is brought to orgasm by the poignant prose in paragraph one. Do some research hammerhead. I didn’t send this book proposal to Field and Stream. Don’t send me emails for 10%-off anal beads and Vagisil.

  • A Related Note: All you old-school, hard-copy spammers out there do me a favor and give it a rest already. I’m not Mr. Environment or anything, but the .025% hit rate you get from blanketing the city with a shitstorm of ad copy isn’t worth the trouble. Oh, and you boys over at Capital One, how can you have the balls to call yourselves the “no hassle” card when you stalk me like a drunk-banged fat girl looking for a second date? My bookie wasn’t this aggressive when I was two months late and the VIG flipped the note to five figures.
  • Another Related Note: Hey, Prince Hassim of Nigeria … go fuck yourself.