Shrink Wrapped Literature

I realize that you are made of high quality “pleather” like those knock off Members Only jackets I used to buy off the back of a truck in Chinatown in the mid 1980s. Still, your posh binding and allegedly embossed cover hardly warrants being encased in Saran wrap like some fetish-inclined snuff film actress. Really, you’re not that important.

The whole purpose of ass dragging my way to a brick and mortar bookstore is to enjoy flipping through the pages of an actual book. If I wanted to glance longingly at a desirable item flaked with imitation gold that I was forbidden to caress I’d hit the strip club.

And don’t give me that shit about on-line shopping. Sure it’s safe, but so is wearing a body condom when banging your wife. The only way to make the buying experience more impersonal is to use one of those infuriating, Skynet-endorsed e-readers.

I purposely made the trip to Barnes & Noble because I wanted to get down right familiar with some bargain bin prose. So the next time I’m prevented from indulging myself in a little new book lovin’ I’ll be forced to get my olfactory and somatic rocks off another way. And that means you, my spectacle clad lit chick. So bend over and brace yourself for my not-so-Longfellow. Just do me a favor and mind your nametag. No point in both of us being pricked.

  • A Related Note:  Who Shit in My Zen Garden? Random Stuff that Spoils my Day is now available on Kindle, Nook, electronic scroll, rolling papyrus, and advanced smoke signal technology. Run out and buy a few dozen copies today.
  • A Not So Related Note: Safe sex is a must these days, but it sort of sucks. Wearing a condom is a lot like taking a trip to Paris and then staying in the hotel room. But hey, at least you’re traveling, which is more than I did in high school … and ah, college.