Half-Assed Hit Men

Some people just need killing. If you’ve been in a bank line, a children’s shoe store, or a relationship of any kind, you know this to be true.

Now, the trouble with murder isn’t the actual act. You’ll get over that quickly enough. No, it’s the logistics. Bodies, dead bodies specifically, are heavy and bulky and don’t take naturally to being shuffled about. And so, there are a couple of things that you need to know about hiding one… you know, just in case.

First, there are many ways to go about the task. Of course, most of what you’ve seen in the movies or read in dime store novels, simply doesn’t work. The wood-chipper for example – nice in theory, but it requires considerable space, understanding neighbors, and a legitimate need for fast-acting fertilizer. There’s the old acid in the bathtub trick, but you’ll need a cast iron tub and the stomach for the smell. Most people have neither. You could even do a little chop and freeze, but that’s a short-term solution and really, who has that kind of storage space?

Ultimately, the average first-time murderer opts for a shovel. After all, we’re a Home Depot nation and this is one job where most confidently sport a to do-it-yourself attitude. There’s nothing wrong with this, assuming you can find a secluded spot. The hiccup comes from peoples’ natural laziness. Some will dig three feet, but most stop somewhere between 18 and 24 inches. That simply won’t do. You have to consider police dogs. Anything under four feet and you’re wasting perfectly good elbow grease. I recommend the standard six.

Another popular choice, sponsored in part by mafia movies everywhere, is the swim with the fishes routine. Most would assume it takes only a brick and a rope to pull this one off, but again, the task looks much easier on television. Killers, often the type to get booted from the Boy Scouts, are unlikely to have earned a slew of knot tying merit badges. So unless you have easy access to a quick current, fast drying cement, and a chain/padlock combination, you’ll have to assume your handiwork will unravel long before you can get out of dodge.

This brings me to the first truism of homicide. Unless you are willing to do an impression of Hannibal Lecter at the Golden Corral you’re basically screwed. Because, and this is important folks, if you hide a body, eventually someone is going to find it. In the end, all you can hope for is to delay the inevitable.

Given this, if you absolutely, positively have to off someone, I suggest you outsource. After all, that’s why they have professionals. Sure you can paint your own house, but it will take you twice as long and you’ll use three times as much material. Better to leave it to the pros. Just remember to double book the gig. Having your hit man whacked stair steps you from the initial crime and eliminates the chance that he’ll roll over on you. Besides, true contract killers fly under the radar so it’s doubtful anyone will come poking around when they’re gone.

Sure, some people just need killing. But death ain’t easy. So be careful you crazy bastards.

  • A Related Note: Murder is bad. Next time you feel like killing someone, have a cream soda instead. It’s yummy and quite refreshing.  Besides, Half-Assed hit men just drop a steamer in everyone’s Zen garden … especially the guy who gets killed.