Shrink Wrapped Liter...

I realize that you are made of high quality “pleather” like those knock off Members Only jackets I used to buy off the back of a truck in Chinatown in the mid 1980s. Still, your posh binding and allegedly embossed cover hardly warrants being encased in Saran wrap like some fetish-inclined...

Teachers Who Over-Ma...

It makes me crazy when the lounge lizards of PS 121 refer to themselves as “educators.” Confucius was an educator. Aristotle was an educator. I’ll even throw a bone to Friedrich Froebel. But if part of your day consists of gym, coloring, or naptime, you’re a babysitter with a health...

The Stall Talker

I’m all for stimulating conversation, but dude, put it on pause when we enter the restroom and you see me heading for door number one. First of all, I like to focus when I’m dropping a deuce and the mindless nonsense I was never really listening to anyway is distracting. Second, it’s...

Pipe Smokers

If you have, are currently, or are even considering the possibility of smoking a pipe at some future date, kindly take a moment to beat yourself about the face and shoulders with the business end of a working power sander. There are only two humans who can wield one of those awkwardly angled...

Short-Sporting White...

What is it with white people and wearing shorts in January? And don’t give me that nonsense about it not being cold. Maybe your ancestors hailed from Saskatoon, but the last ten generations lived on the same block in Jersey. Cold is cold. But don’t take my word for it, Nanook, just peep at...

Reality TV Participa...

            For the last time, you’re not famous. There are a variety of explanations for your existence but I assure you, none of them has anything to do with a launching pad for your acting career. For example, it’s quite possible that you are: Part of a larger government...