I’m no holy man, but this, my friends, is an abomination. There is nothing natural about sticking things in your peepers. I dodge eyes drops, cringe from contacts, and would rather someone slice out my spleen with a bread knife than sit still while some half-assed Han Solo with a post doc...

I recently saw a fresh “I heart Jazzercise” bumper sticker on a late model, luxury SUV.  This disturbed me on many levels.  First, I hate bumper stickers. Why would you purposefully desecrate your vehicle only to act as an unpaid pitchman for some thankless corporation that charged you...

Just another helpful sex prevention tool. Who needs condoms or open sores? Nothing says “you’re jerking off tonight” like large flakes on a rented prom...