Lighters in The Dark

I’m no smoker.  The idea of purposefully inhaling toxic fumes seems about as appealing as dropping my drawers at the county lock up. Still there’s something magical about the idea of using an actual lighter to demonstrate enthusiasm for a slow jam at a rock concert. This is a theoretical...

Mirror Mirror

Bobby Slayton once said, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.”  The pit bull of comedy knows what he’s talking about and for the most part, I’ve adopted the outlook.  Still sometimes you have to go all Adele on a mother farker and turn the tables. While...

Off Road Vehicles

There is simply no need for SUVs. Current statistics (which I just made up) indicate that only 3.47% of all off road vehicles ever leave the asphalt. These lift kit-sporting station wagons exist either to enhance the emotional security of overweight soccer moms or to support the fleeting hope...

Swishy Pants

I have nothing against fat people. Santa is fat. Buddha is fat. And let me tell you, Gandhi was a real porker before he got a hold of Nutrisystem or so says the infomercial. Still, if your ass odometer has blown past pleasantly plump and into Orca-like territory, please have the decency to...

Face Feeders

Competitive eating is not a sport.  It’s a mental disorder.  Giving trophies for funneling 67 hot dogs down your gullet is like earning a blue ribbon for creatively shagging a dead rhinoceros. Listen up you hollow leg having, gym class avoiders.  You are not an athlete.  You’re a freak...

Gang-raped Bully

Bullies are nothing if not consistent. Be it schoolyard scuffles, barroom brawls, or even a faintly-veiled patch of passive-aggressive boardroom bravado, something compels these emotionally insecure, steroid-filled, small-penis-having, dimwits to mercilessly taunt the small, snarky, sarcastic...