Grey Poupon

            I didn’t think a food could actually work its way to the douchebag section of this literary work, but I was wrong. I only kept it in the miscellaneous chapter out of spite, but seriously I could have gone the other way. How could a company take something as wholesome and...

Doggie Costumes

            It’s not enough that you castrate your little Lhasa Apso. You have to hack off his dignity as well, by dressing him as a gay pirate for Halloween? Enough with the doggie costumes already. While you’re taking pictures and saying, “How cute,” your pup is tapping out a...

Elevator Farts

            Ever set one off a second before the door closes. Sure, you think you’re home free and that the gas will dissipate before the next stop. It’s then you see a ninja-like arm slice through the gap, forcing the automatic doors to reopen. The unlucky person steps in and...

Shrink Wrapped Liter...

I realize that you are made of high quality “pleather” like those knock off Members Only jackets I used to buy off the back of a truck in Chinatown in the mid 1980s. Still, your posh binding and allegedly embossed cover hardly warrants being encased in Saran wrap like some fetish-inclined...

Limitations

Legendary comedian Rowan Atkinson said once in a bit, “I wouldn’t trust him to sit the right way on a toilet seat.” As a well-traveled, well-read individual, I never imagined myself being that guy.  Then I went to Japan. To be fair, seen through Western eyes, the country is akin to...