It makes me crazy when the lounge lizards of PS 121 refer to themselves as “educators.” Confucius was an educator. Aristotle was an educator. I’ll even throw a bone to Friedrich Froebel. But if part of your day consists of gym, coloring, or naptime, you’re a babysitter with a health...

I know times are tough, but unless you live in a city the size of Singapore or have committed to traversing about the open plains via mass transit, give friendly folks at Geico a call. Last week while heading north on the Taconic Parkway to visit some redneck relatives a deer darted in front...

I have nothing against the raisin. I just think it’s one of those foods you need to be emotionally prepared for to enjoy. I freakin’ hate it when a raisin sneaks up on me unexpectedly. In a bagel, in a cookie, in a salad, for the love of God. I bite into a raisin unknowingly and I’m...

Jackson, I’m thinking of getting a personalized license plate. Any ideas? Yes, stick your head in the oven. This sort of state sponsored Twinkie-dickness makes me want to cause a twenty-car pile up. The other day I saw this Ford Focus driving jacktard with a license plate that read...

I feel like life is moving too fast. How can I slow down? Time doesn’t pass you by. You experience every second. Want it to slow down?  Go to the dentist, stand in a bank line, or visit your...

If you haven’t tried it, you’ve thought about it. Be honest, now. Here’s the scene. You’re naked, comfortable, slightly aroused from an amazing tension-relieving hour with a sexy young thing who really knows her way around the body. Plus, you’ve been picking up on the signs. A smile....

Why the hell do I have to slow down every fifteen feet so little Johnny can ass-drag his way to the bus? First of all, have you seen these fat little bastards? They should be walking. Okay, it’s cold. It’s dark. They’re only five. Whatever. Fine. Blow my tax dollars on the most...

You’re not poor unless you went to school sporting someone else’s jeans with a patched knee and a coat that was either two sizes too small or so big your mom (that crazy bitch) tried to make you and your brother wear it at the same time. Forget fashion and style. A poor kid’s clothes are...

I’m not one to hoist placards and marshal for causes, but the social ill that is animal alcoholism cannot be ignored. Canines are apparently the most at risk given their affinity for red wine. Must be some Italian Shepherd mixed in with that Bloodhound. And remember, animal alcoholics are...

Providing your pooch with proper care is admirable. Flying in a team of transplant specialists from Geneva in a last-ditch attempt to save your sixteen year-old Great Dane is just freakin’ stupid. Dogs die. That sucks. But deal with it, you pansy. Listening to how people dropped thousands on...

Were people in the 70s really high all the time? First off, thank you for assuming that Jesus was in my homeroom class. Seriously, how old do you think I am? Your question is a no brainer.  Let’s say you were able to gloss over the subtle clues of rampant drug use like disco, the fashion...

A recent study indicates that it may indeed be harder to “break it down” than “keep it real”.  Related research may disprove the long held belief that “bitches don’t know” citing, “… and some females appear quite well informed.” Rival pundits who claim evidence is...

I want to propose to my girlfriend without being cliché’.  Any ideas? I know as much about romance as I do East Hungarian cabinet making, but if you want something out of the ordinary try looking ahead. A lot of guys propose on the site of their first date or make reference to a special...

I’m no smoker.  The idea of purposefully inhaling toxic fumes seems about as appealing as dropping my drawers at the county lock up. Still there’s something magical about the idea of using an actual lighter to demonstrate enthusiasm for a slow jam at a rock concert. This is a theoretical...

This is not even a freaking career choice. It’s just marketing gone wild. Bad enough that I have to pay a 500% mark-up on a cup of black coffee. I refuse to go along with the notion that these pretentious clowns are actually engaged in a legitimate profession. You’re not a java engineer....

Shortly after moving to North Carolina, I got pulled over for speeding … allegedly. Actually, I think the real infraction was being from “up north.” Whatever. The thing is, six days later, the very same cop, on the very same road, pulled me over again. He was about to go into his speech...

Do me a favor Mr. senior executive.  Avoid belching forth the phase, “I don’t mean to steal Jackson’s thunder, but…” Let’s face it. That’s exactly what you intended to do. Don’t get me wrong. I get it. You’re out of touch, ill informed and about as productive as a...

You know that saying, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”  Yeah, well it doesn’t make any sense. “In vain” means without purpose and I assure you, choirboy, if I’m pissed off enough to blurt out “Jesus Christ,” in the middle of a Bar Mitzvah, I have something specific in...

I’m no holy man, but this, my friends, is an abomination. There is nothing natural about sticking things in your peepers. I dodge eyes drops, cringe from contacts, and would rather someone slice out my spleen with a bread knife than sit still while some half-assed Han Solo with a post doc...

Cats suck. Yes, even yours. There is nothing special about your feline. It isn’t cute. It doesn’t listen. And it can’t do any tricks. It’s just a four-legged, furry prick that scratches my furniture, pees the most ungodly smelling substance on the planet, and makes me sneeze. Cats are...