Just when I thought I had this horrendous Pavlovian response eradicated from my brain, a whole new era of catchiness assaults my senses.  When can we say...

What is a hipster? It’s a poorly dressed, liberal-leaning, self-indulgent lun-i-ac that has yet to realize that their androgynous fashion statements have already been run through by Diane Keaton and Elvis Costello. They often attempt to convince themselves of their own coolness by shunning...

            Okay, on what planet does this makes sense? Unless you have a dozen dapper dudes with an understanding that some stupid people just need killing, I think I’ll get the shit end of the stick with this little social experiment. I’m no rocket scientist, but I can assure you...

I’m no feminist, or whatever you call those whiney bitches that are always complaining about their rights. Yak yak. Who cares? But it completely pisses me off when I see some Muslim douchebag sporting cargo pants and a wife-beater while his wife walks six steps behind him in the blistering...

            I didn’t think a food could actually work its way to the douchebag section of this literary work, but I was wrong. I only kept it in the miscellaneous chapter out of spite, but seriously I could have gone the other way. How could a company take something as wholesome and...

            It’s not enough that you castrate your little Lhasa Apso. You have to hack off his dignity as well, by dressing him as a gay pirate for Halloween? Enough with the doggie costumes already. While you’re taking pictures and saying, “How cute,” your pup is tapping out a...

            Ever set one off a second before the door closes. Sure, you think you’re home free and that the gas will dissipate before the next stop. It’s then you see a ninja-like arm slice through the gap, forcing the automatic doors to reopen. The unlucky person steps in and...

I realize that you are made of high quality “pleather” like those knock off Members Only jackets I used to buy off the back of a truck in Chinatown in the mid 1980s. Still, your posh binding and allegedly embossed cover hardly warrants being encased in Saran wrap like some fetish-inclined...

Legendary comedian Rowan Atkinson said once in a bit, “I wouldn’t trust him to sit the right way on a toilet seat.” As a well-traveled, well-read individual, I never imagined myself being that guy.  Then I went to Japan. To be fair, seen through Western eyes, the country is akin to...

      There is a dish commonly served in restaurants all around Asia called “Buddha Jumped Over the Wall in a Clay Pot.” I’m not shitting you. Look it up. Anyway, that to me screams accessibility, humility, and a pretty good sense of humor. Want to get people excited about the body of...

            You’ve seen these acrobatically inclined ass bandits hawking everything from model homes to coffee bar grand openings. How does your career go so far into the shitter that you not only take this job, but get so good at it that the boys down at Ringling Brothers conference...

I’m sorry, but I have to call bullshit on those signs that claim they are monitoring my speed from the sky.  I’ve been caught in speed traps, bested by radar guns, and pulled over by a dozen versions of Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane, but in all my years of willfully ignoring big brother’s...

Corporate speak annoys me. This is no big revelation.  But I find it ironic when otherwise politically proper junior executives mindlessly toss around buzzwords that might actually offend the tender ears of their colleagues. Consider the acronym BHAG, which stands for big, hairy, audacious,...

Just another helpful sex prevention tool. Who needs condoms or open sores? Nothing says “you’re jerking off tonight” like large flakes on a rented prom...

Nothing is more aggravating than being on hold, especially when the vendor in question expects you to tap dance through a series of incomprehensible teleprompts only to be asked for the same nonsensical information two hours later when you finally make it through to some techno-sweatshop phone...

Sex is like pizza. We all have our favorite restaurant, the one that makes the best pies in town. Still, if that place is closed or for some reason decides to go on strike, a hungry man will order Dominos. Sure it’s not as good, but they deliver and you don’t have to talk about your...

Some people just need killing. If you’ve been in a bank line, a children’s shoe store, or a relationship of any kind, you know this to be true. Now, the trouble with murder isn’t the actual act. You’ll get over that quickly enough. No, it’s the logistics. Bodies, dead bodies...

Hey Gen-Y, guess what?  LinkedIn is not the new MySpace. You don’t increase your value to potential employers by randomly connecting with thousands of other smartphone wielding tard monkeys who have no relevance to your chosen profession. Seriously, that just makes you look awkward and...

If I hear one more junior executive talk to me about the big picture impact of reducing silos in an effort to enhance departmental synergy and create more bandwidth so we can better leverage our customer-focused client portfolio, I’m going to take the conversation off-line and empower myself...

      So let me get this straight. I can silence a bullet fired from a .357, but I can’t contain the ear-shattering emanations from a Starbucks coffee grinder. Seriously? Being tea-bagged by a sumo wrestler would be less distracting than such an auditory assault. Props and Kudos:  That...