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Aug17

The Human Trait Exch...

posted by Jackson

Human Resources is hardly a comfortable profession for conservative, middle-aged white guys. Colleagues, who, by comparison, often make Hollywood insiders sound like Fox News, consistently force-feed leadership erroneous statistics that support their desire to prop-up special programs favoring...

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Hello again
  • Food Rules and Other Stuff I’m Too Lazy to Classify
Dec01

Hello again

posted by Jackson

Just when I thought I had this horrendous Pavlovian response eradicated from my brain, a whole new era of catchiness assaults my senses.  When can we say...

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Hipster
  • Ask Jackson Answers
Dec07

Hipster

posted by Jackson

What is a hipster? It’s a poorly dressed, liberal-leaning, self-indulgent lun-i-ac that has yet to realize that their androgynous fashion statements have already been run through by Diane Keaton and Elvis Costello. They often attempt to convince themselves of their own coolness by shunning...

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Jury of My Peers
  • Police and Stupid Laws
May25

Jury of My Peers

posted by Jackson

            Okay, on what planet does this makes sense? Unless you have a dozen dapper dudes with an understanding that some stupid people just need killing, I think I’ll get the shit end of the stick with this little social experiment. I’m no rocket scientist, but I can assure you...

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She-Vader
  • Politics and Society
Mar18

She-Vader

posted by Jackson

I’m no feminist, or whatever you call those whiney bitches that are always complaining about their rights. Yak yak. Who cares? But it completely pisses me off when I see some Muslim douchebag sporting cargo pants and a wife-beater while his wife walks six steps behind him in the blistering...

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Grey Poupon
  • Food Rules and Other Stuff I’m Too Lazy to Classify
Nov04

Grey Poupon

posted by Jackson

            I didn’t think a food could actually work its way to the douchebag section of this literary work, but I was wrong. I only kept it in the miscellaneous chapter out of spite, but seriously I could have gone the other way. How could a company take something as wholesome and...

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Doggie Costumes
  • Animals and Environment and Other Rights-less Wonders
Oct21

Doggie Costumes

posted by Jackson

            It’s not enough that you castrate your little Lhasa Apso. You have to hack off his dignity as well, by dressing him as a gay pirate for Halloween? Enough with the doggie costumes already. While you’re taking pictures and saying, “How cute,” your pup is tapping out a...

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Elevator Farts
  • Now That's Just Awkward
Oct08

Elevator Farts

posted by Jackson

            Ever set one off a second before the door closes. Sure, you think you’re home free and that the gas will dissipate before the next stop. It’s then you see a ninja-like arm slice through the gap, forcing the automatic doors to reopen. The unlucky person steps in and...

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Shrink Wrapped Literature
  • Mindless Douchebaggery
Sep19

Shrink Wrapped Liter...

posted by Jackson

I realize that you are made of high quality “pleather” like those knock off Members Only jackets I used to buy off the back of a truck in Chinatown in the mid 1980s. Still, your posh binding and allegedly embossed cover hardly warrants being encased in Saran wrap like some fetish-inclined...

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Limitations
  • Useless Technology
Aug25

Limitations

posted by Jackson

Legendary comedian Rowan Atkinson said once in a bit, “I wouldn’t trust him to sit the right way on a toilet seat.” As a well-traveled, well-read individual, I never imagined myself being that guy.  Then I went to Japan. To be fair, seen through Western eyes, the country is akin to...

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Jesus Food
  • Religion: You Know, ‘Cause It’s Dumb
Aug24

Jesus Food

posted by Jackson

      There is a dish commonly served in restaurants all around Asia called “Buddha Jumped Over the Wall in a Clay Pot.” I’m not shitting you. Look it up. Anyway, that to me screams accessibility, humility, and a pretty good sense of humor. Want to get people excited about the body of...

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Sign Flippers
  • Poor Man's Working Woes
Aug10

Sign Flippers

posted by Jackson

            You’ve seen these acrobatically inclined ass bandits hawking everything from model homes to coffee bar grand openings. How does your career go so far into the shitter that you not only take this job, but get so good at it that the boys down at Ringling Brothers conference...

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Danger Zone My Ass
  • Police and Stupid Laws
Aug01

Danger Zone My Ass

posted by Jackson

I’m sorry, but I have to call bullshit on those signs that claim they are monitoring my speed from the sky.  I’ve been caught in speed traps, bested by radar guns, and pulled over by a dozen versions of Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane, but in all my years of willfully ignoring big brother’s...

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BHAG
  • Poor Man's Working Woes
Jul28

BHAG

posted by Jackson

Corporate speak annoys me. This is no big revelation.  But I find it ironic when otherwise politically proper junior executives mindlessly toss around buzzwords that might actually offend the tender ears of their colleagues. Consider the acronym BHAG, which stands for big, hairy, audacious,...

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Dandruff
  • Bodily Breakdowns
Jul16

Dandruff

posted by Jackson

Just another helpful sex prevention tool. Who needs condoms or open sores? Nothing says “you’re jerking off tonight” like large flakes on a rented prom...

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Holding Time
  • Useless Technology
Jul08

Holding Time

posted by Jackson

Nothing is more aggravating than being on hold, especially when the vendor in question expects you to tap dance through a series of incomprehensible teleprompts only to be asked for the same nonsensical information two hours later when you finally make it through to some techno-sweatshop phone...

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Pizza Sex
  • Dating and Divorce
Jul06

Pizza Sex

posted by Jackson

Sex is like pizza. We all have our favorite restaurant, the one that makes the best pies in town. Still, if that place is closed or for some reason decides to go on strike, a hungry man will order Dominos. Sure it’s not as good, but they deliver and you don’t have to talk about your...

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Half-Assed Hit Men
  • General Incompetence
Jun29

Half-Assed Hit Men

posted by Jackson

Some people just need killing. If you’ve been in a bank line, a children’s shoe store, or a relationship of any kind, you know this to be true. Now, the trouble with murder isn’t the actual act. You’ll get over that quickly enough. No, it’s the logistics. Bodies, dead bodies...

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LinkedIn
  • Poor Man's Working Woes
Jun14

LinkedIn

posted by Jackson

Hey Gen-Y, guess what?  LinkedIn is not the new MySpace. You don’t increase your value to potential employers by randomly connecting with thousands of other smartphone wielding tard monkeys who have no relevance to your chosen profession. Seriously, that just makes you look awkward and...

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Corporate Speak
  • Poor Man's Working Woes
Jun10

Corporate Speak

posted by Jackson

If I hear one more junior executive talk to me about the big picture impact of reducing silos in an effort to enhance departmental synergy and create more bandwidth so we can better leverage our customer-focused client portfolio, I’m going to take the conversation off-line and empower myself...

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Who Shit in my Zen Garden?

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